the end...

more excerpts from my morning journal... this sums up the end of my time in ghana.


march 16th.

monday morning. 7:58am. i sit at my large table, accompanied by nescafe and the daily bread.

too much sleep, last night. but it feels good.

today we'll stay at the orphanage, for the week. i am really excited to do this. i think i'll be challenged- but i think even a week will build a stronger connection with the kids, and house mothers. i want to be more involved, i want to be helping, and be a part of the orphanage family. and more importantly, i want to have more time with the children. i want them to learn my name, for sure, and to trust me and welcome me, as family, and not just a guest.

tomorrow is st. patricks day. i think. how strange.



march 18th.

living here, at the orphange, a different world. and its just day three. and already everything has changed. its so different to be here when they wake up, all the way to when they go to sleep. its so special to be a part of it all.

the children know us, already, so much better- and us them. the names come easier now, when before every day was a struggle. i know these days are very special.

last night, after the worst day in ghana so far, the stress and tension melted away as the children ate, sang, and danced. a dance competion, of sorts, was held outside- and their personalities came out to play. new sides of each of them, showed to us in bits and pieces. so special.


march 21st.

i have poison running through my blood. maliciously attacked, in the middle of the night. twenty-five bites, that i can count, can see. even two on my face. it makes me so uncomfortable. so itchy. can't sit still. and i just have to wait it out. my bite cream masks the itch for a minute or two, but then it always returns.

yesterday i thought i had malaria. convinced. but the blood test told me no. i almost wished i had. i needed an excuse to be lazy for a few days. to rest. to sleep- unbothered. to just take a time-out. no such luck.

but its better this way. i have just one month left, in ghana- and only three weeks actually with the kids. so much to do. so very little time. i have to get the sponsorship program up and running- i just do. its the smallest task- at home just one days work. but here, everything takes so long. everything is slowed down. its so difficult to accept.

today will be a productive day.



march 22nd.

i want to be home. today more than any other. so uncomfortable, so hot, so itchy, so uneasy, its becoming unbearable.

i wish i was home, in my own bed, dealing with this discomfort. the comfort of your own bed. its really something. but i can't be home, not yet. i have to wait it out, wait for the itch to subside. hope that my stomache calms, and that the fan works today. thats all i can do.

but today, i really wish i wasn't here. it feels like my body is rejecting all of this. and maybe it is. maybe its had enough. ready to go back to the cool comfort of the pacific nw. oh how i miss the pacific nw. it really is home.

i'm overheated now, and its just 9am.



march 23rd.

today i opened my eyes to a cool dark room. so comfortable in the cold. the comfort struck me- so unfamiliar and profound. and i laugh, because i have forgotten what comfort feels like.

but this is my home. in ghana. this room, this house, these people, this table. this is my home. and despite how completely different it is, i am used to it now. still not comfortabale, but used, to it. it is home in an unfamiliar sense. and its strange.

i feel ike i have so many homes around this earth. many places that i call my own. and i want this to be one more, i do. but its a home so unfamiliar and foreign. always foreign.

the other day i graduated. from "bruni" to "bruni with a tan". on the way in to kobby's house, the kids yelled at us, and called us the usual "bruni", but added something else on- and kobby told us that they were calling us white people who have been in africa for a while and are turning dark. i liked it. i want the locals to see time on my skin; see the committment. i want them to know that i live here- even if only for a few months, to know i'm not a tourist. this is importatnto me. and i'm not sure why.

yesterday at the pool some locals came over to talk. they tested my twi- which i semi-passed- and told me i was quick, and good at their language. they taught me some more, like how to say "she is my best friend", and how to say "i'm 24" and how to count to 5. i did my best, and i think they were happy. and i was happy to surprise them, and catch them off-guard with what i knew, and what i wanted to know.

i'm not sure why i feel like i have to prove myself. i know that ruins everything. it adds motive to otherwise genuine interst an joy. i need to be careful of this.

there is nothing to prove, anwyay. i am here, and i am who i am. i can't pretend or fake or fathom anything else. i need to just be.

learn to just be. sounds so simple, really. i know its anything but.



march 24th.

anxiety struck me last night. and i awoke to it again this morning. i can feel the time wind down, and its causing my head to spin and my heart to speed.

overwhelmed by how much more i want to do, need to do. my time here is too short-i knew it all along. and still i think i'll be ready. to go. i almost feel like i can be more helpful and effective if i remove myself. more focused. more driven. but to be here is so special, so remarkable. its difficult to be effective and driven when i'm constantly trying to simply take it all in.

this is such a gift, and i want to make sure i'm appreciating it, completely. and i think i am- but sometimes i worry. i get lost in thoughts of home. and i resent ghana for trapping me here in its heat box. pushed and pulled in so many directions by everyone- here and at home. so many expectations and demands put on me, here. its challenging to accept- and i'm not sure i can, or should.



march 25th.

the power just went out. i was in the middle of finishing up the project on the laptop, when a storm blew in, and the electricity blew out. no choice but to try again tomorrow.

i quietly head to my room, in darkness, and get ready for bed. its only 8:30, but without power, there really isn't much else to do. i light my candle, and shuffle through the dark as i brush my teeth and pee.

i know the power won't be back on until the morning. an annoyance i've gotten used to. no use in waiting for the line to be fixed. it won't be, until tomorrow. this i just the way it is. this is ghana.



march 27th.

it really is winding down now. in one week we go to the beach, and then just one more in kumasi before i head south to accra.

and i know i'm going to miss it. i'll miss the kids, and my family. my quiet nescafe mornings and the daily bread. i'll miss the people and the music, bantama and wine up. i will definitely miss my home in ghana.

yesterday i finished the project. six and half hours at the internet cafe- but its finally complete, and sent out. to everyone i know. i am so excited. i feel so accomplished and proud. i want everyone to meet these kids, and get on board with our cause- my cause. i'm just so excited to see what happens. and i loved working on this. it was challening, due to access issues... but i loved putting it all together. i loved being in control of what it would say, how it would look, what we would do. another clue towards my future perhaps.



march 30th.

strange dreams last night. a culmination of my life here, and my life back home. different people and places, tied togehter, made to fit.

i feel like i have a life here, now. an abnormal life. made to fit. but a life. friends an family, a job. birthday parties, beach trips, thirsty thursdays. its strange to have created a network of relationships around this experience. my time is so limited, and my reason is so particular- but somewhere in there a life came together.

and i enjoy this life, here in ghana. most of the time. i feel very limited in this life, very overwhelmed and hopeless. no where really to go. i feel like i'm awlays waiitng. always trying my patience.

always waiting.



march 31st.

the sky is overcaste today, and it suits my mood. i long for a cool autumn day in the city- grey skies, light drizzle, with a warm cup of coffee and soft music to sip on.



april 1st.

just 21 days. twenty-one. and i'll be gone. to a different world, it seems. a different place in time. i'll have a week to myself. to wander. to remember. bittersweet. always bittersweet.



april 15th.

this morning i wake to chaos in the house. the kids don't have school this week, so they are just hanging around. loud. loud. loud. they are playing music full blast- simply to show off their music taste to the visitors.

i'm at the end, now. i can feel it. ready to say goodbye to this house and the family. not ready to say goodbye to the orphanage or my friends yet. but maybe i will be in just a few days.

today is my last meeting. friday is my last day at the orphanage. and then i'm gone. so strange. so very strange.

three months time, sped up. it seems. too fast was my time here. such a gift. but i feel so good about what i've done. about being here. i've loved my time. i know i'll leave with a smile.

yesterday the sky seemed to blue. so clear and beautiful. it was as if i was seeing it all for the first time, again. it was like a warm bright blue summer day. and i felt at peace. so at peace with everything.

and its such a good feeling. haven't felt that in a while. maybe its peace. maybe its happiness. maybe its joy. not sure- maybe its everything. its nice.



april 17th.

my last day. at the orphanage. my last time with the kids. last time i'll see them- at least for a long while. and i can hardly belive it.

tomorrow i pack, and sunday i leave. and i can barely comprehend what it means to be leaving. to be leaving ghana after living here for three months. this is so much more different than rome. to live with a family, and work at an orphanage every day. this has become my home, even if for a short while.

and now, when i am enjoying it the most, i have to leave. i'm not sure i even want to be in italy anymore. i know i'll have fun, and that two weeks will go fast, but i want to either stay here for two weeks longer, or just go home.

and to go home- it will be like nothing changed- except i know that i have changed. i know that my world has changed, and me within it. i wonder if anyone will notice.



april 18th.

the ants are many and overwhelm me now. but i leave soon, so i try not to care. a giant cochroach in my room last night. i prepared for battle, but he ran away too fast for me to strike.

and as i prepare to pack and leave, i realize how familiar it all is , now. i feel finally adapted, and comfortable. perhaps three months i what it takes. my body is calm, and used to the heat. i still am covered in bug bites, but i've learnt how to deal with them. the abnormal of ghana has become normal, and i am loving it all so much.

last night, my last goodbye. the kids blew me away. my heart bursting for air. they all gathered together and sang goodbye to me, dancing and clapping. i almost cried, but i stopped myself- i just wanted to be happy. afterwards, they all swarmed me and hugged me, a giant pile of little kids on top of me. it was so amazing- and i realize how lucky i am. to feel such love, from cildren who come from such harsh worlds- genuine, unconditional, true blue love. and to feel it for them. i know that there is good in the world. and i do believe in love, in good, and in the future.

ghana has taught me the very harsh realities of our planet, but it has also shown me a reason to fight for a better future. these children deserve a better life- a life wihtout fear of famine or disease, without hate and hurt, a life with laughs and loves and a happy future. we all deserve happiness- i do belive in that.



april 21st.

at the airport now, and it all comes flooding in. all the emotion, the profoundness of what this means. the finality of it all. i can't believe i'm leaving, already. has three months really come and gone already? it doesn't seem possible. but here i am.

and all i want is to stay. one more month, week even. i'm not ready, even though i'm excited to see home. it hasn't been long enough, and i'm not ready to leave it all yet.

even now, as the song from the internet plays, i tear up. its all been home- really home. even though parts have been so hard, and so miserable- its still become home. so famililar and comforting.

to be leaving means that my dream is over. finished. completed. my promise finally fulfilled. which makes me so happy, but i'm also so not ready for that. sadness consumes me. deep-profound sadness.

and i'm not sure how, but it feels as though i haven't left- and also that i was never there. its as though i'll be back tomorrow, and that it isn't really over. but its also like i never went. the food, the plane, the feelings of all this. they seem so old and normal, familiar even though i haven't felt comfort like this in months. cold. cool skin. clean air. food- salad, cheese, chicken. i react like i had it all yesterday, but i didn't. i had ghana. i had all the challenges it offers, daily. so how can i act so normal now- as it all slowly changes back to home.