morning reflections.

some excerpts from my morning journal.

february 16th.

surrounded by dust and dirt, flies swarm by my feet. i have to simply accept this state of discomfort and chaos and constant sweat. i have to let go of the familiar feelings called comfort, and find new ways to define that word. african ways.
this is my life in africa. one month seems ample time to adjust, but still i feel inadequate. my body tells me it needs more time, to catch up to my nimble mind. the elements are too intense, and my body is tired. the heat, the humidity, the food, the time, the patience required to accomplish anything. the disease and mosquitoes, the spiders that make my ankles and toes swell up and sting. my body was not born here. i am a foreigner, and am reminded every single day.


february 17th.

i am hushed by simply being a foreigner. a minority, based on the color of my skin. it is a humbling feeling, and one i choose never to forget.

its important to remember this experience. to learn from its challenges and emotional power, and apply those lessons through my life.

to be so lost, when i know exactly where i am, is a feeling incomparable to any other. to know no words, from a language so local, to aide me. to feel so many eyes upon me, just walking down my street. to be blatantly taken advantage of, simply because i don’t belong. these are all lessons, and i am wise to appreciate them, as best i can.

it is difficult, though.


february 24th.

morning confessions, over my cup and saucer of bitter coffee. the ants swarm the table; frantic and futile. and suddenly i realize that i am used to this. there is one on my arm, i feel its little feet rush over my skin. i simply brush it away. no reflex of panic or disgust. have i always been capable of this calm? or has it only been cultivated while living in africa?

adaptation. will i take these home with me, or will they slowly fade, over time. maybe i have a choice.


february 25th.

i swept away the trail of ants, hoping their friends will forget the way. get lost, and disappear. i doubt it, though.

what am i doing here. what am i looking for. all i am seeing is bigger problems, and more questions. i see more confusion than i did before. more sadness, more loss, more challenge. is this what i wanted? is this what i was supposed to find?


march 8th.

i suddenly realize how limited my time is. and i look around to see what i’ve done, what i’ve become. and i feel helpless and overwhelmed.

why am i always so consumed by the next step. why is it so difficult for me to just be, present. already i’m looking forward to the next phase, next chapter, next person place and thing.

i need to slow down, and take time to look around. i need to be present.

right now. right now. right now. rain is dumping from the sky and lightening crashes- a tune i’ve always loved. the trees dance wildly in the dark and i can barely make out their shadows. the thunder rumbles the earth and the house shakes. and when it cracks, it sounds like a gunshot piercing through the sky.


march 10th.

today i feel different. part annoyed, part angry, and part tired and lonely. this week back, after traveling, is tough. i didn’t think it would be. yesterday
i found myself counting down, the hours. i was annoyed by the children, and irritated with my host family.

and i don’t like this state i'm in. i want to feel the way i did my first week, again. excited and hopeful and full of energy and passion. but now i feel jaded and tired.

they’re everywhere now, the ants. they’re slowly taking over my life. this morning i actually had to brush them off of my bread, before eating it. i feel itchy and dirty and claustrophobic.


march 11th.

“one cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them by chance, in a lucky hour, at the world’s end somewhere.” –willa cather

and for a moment i feel at ease. happy. calm. i feel cool and relaxed, sleepy and content. but i now that feeling will fade, again. and i’ll revert back to the uneasy, uncomfortable constant. the heat.

but for now, i'm okay. and i have just five weeks left. less than . i wonder how it will feel. to be on that plane. probably many mixed emotions, all jumbled together in a mess.


march 12th.

two months. since i left. its so strange. at points, time flew by- but at others it seemed to stand still. and now juts five weeks left. to make my mark, to accomplish something. i want to accomplish something.

i'm getting tanner now, and adopting this new person. natural, simple, calm and at peace. i'm nearly 25 years old, and i'm just now finding my peace.

but peace changes, with time and years. it shifts, just like the world. we all change, and move, and adjust. and i like that. always something new, to learn and see.

always something new.


march 13th.

the morning seems fresh, and full of life. birds chirping, squawking, singing. palm trees dance in the gentle morning breeze. and sunshine fills the sky.

and my thoughts scatter. maybe not fully awake. or maybe i'm distracted. always caught, miles away. my thoughts never cease to wander. nomadic thoughts.

nomadic thoughts. scattered, distant, and distracted. never present.


march 14th.

i wake up to a bright african morning, after a dark and dreary lonely night. i slept ten and a half hours- only because i didn't want to stay awake. but this morning brings new hope to my heart. and it amazes me how fast my mood can change.

i simply have to look around, and see this world. all around me. see its life, its love, its possibility. and i know that today will be a good day.

yesterday at the orphanage i felt love. i think i had been trying to force it, before. trying to feel something for these kids, just because they are orphans. but yesterday i just sat, while they climbed all over me. and i played with them, tickled them, sang with them, and held them- and i felt my heart grow. they are so special, all of them, and i want them to know that. to believe that.

but i worry that they don't. that no one tells them, because they are just one of so many. and they are forced to grow up so fast, so much is expected of them. when is there time to just let them, be them?

for our sponsorship program we are trying to ask personal questions of all the kids- like what is their favorite thing to do, what is their favorite color. and they have no answers. they don't know what to say, because their lives are so uniform and adult. it makes me so sad to think that they don't have a favorite color, or game- that they don't know they can be unique.


march 15th.

i can feel my body struggling. pushed and pulled and scrambling to keep up. so many changes thrown at it, into it, demanded from it. i can feel the constant roller coaster my body is stuck on. but i welcome this ride. i want to push myself to new limits, and see what i am capable of. never forced to push-really- never challenged in this way. and i like it. i enjoy seeing new strengths i never knew were there.

i feel a new strength. a new voice. a new me. i know that i'm growing and changing. and i am so glad for this.